Fantasticoe Fall 2004
The Angel from My Nightmare
There's a park near my house if you walk down the road as it slopes down to the right. The park is what I would guess to be about three hundred acres. It's best in the early autumn, when the leaves are changing, but the grass is still green. I take the walk in the morning, which is probably the best time, because the sun shoots new light into everything, making everything look so young and innocent. The crisp beads of dew on the grass magnifies the lush green, which is complimented by the orange bursts of light from the young sun. The trees are alive with color and blanket my eyes. The leaves are ignited with vivid oranges, yellows, and reds. The few leaves on the ground, look like the dripped paint from God's paintbrush. And the aroma of burning leaves makes me glad to have lungs. The sweetness of it, is like the sweetness of life with every breath I take. There's a sizable lake in the middle of the park with deep blue water that catches the sparks of sunlight, and then throws them back towards me, and it makes the water do a little dance for my eyes.
Being a young male of eighteen, with rivers of hormones flooding my body, I tend to also find much beauty in women as well. There's the obvious eye candy type of women, which I of course love to have saturate my eyes, with the wide curving hips, and full breasts, complete with mocha tan skin, some with blonde hair, others with thick lustrous dark hair. Then those fiery red heads, with pale skin, beautifully pale like the moon. But today it was different.
My eyes have never had more of a workout as they ride the roller coaster of her features. Her eyes are blue, blue like ice. Ice that freezes my heart. The moment I saw those eyes I forgot who I was for a moment. They were so much more than just a color, but a feeling. An essence. Her smile is intoxicating. It curles up slowly, baring radiant white teeth, that blank out my mind. Her smile draws out my soul, and I could utter the words of my heart to her. Every single deep, dark secret of mine would be hers. She had beautifully long orange hair that shimmered like liquid fire as it danced back and forth as she ran. I didn't even notice her body on that first glance. She was there and then gone so quick and I couldn't bare to take my eyes off of hers for one instant.
* * *
I couldn't believe my eyes when the very next day I saw her again. I figured she was too good to be true, perhaps just a figment of my imagination, but she was there again tying her shoe on one of the benches. This time I did notice her body. Long slender legs, with a light tan and defined muscles. She was definitely a runner. She was wearing short shorts, despite the brisk weather, and I traced her right calf, the one that was on the bench, up to her knee, took a left, and followed the precise definition of her thigh, then behind her black shorts and her round posterior. Then, turning back to the right I followed her back, up to her shoulders and down, noticing her breasts pushed back by a sports bra, and her beautiful slender arms finishing the tie of her shoe.
"Great morning for a run." I said heartedly and with a smile.
"Yep, terrific day." She returned the smile, and it was like getting struck with an arrow. A chill ran up my spine, and I almost couldn't think of something to say for a moment. And her voice. It sounded like music. Smooth and soothing, rolling out with ease.
"Do you run every morning?" I asked
"I try to."
"I love to take a walk through this park just about every morning. It's just so damn beautiful!" I said with too much excitement, my voice shooting up to some high note that's rarely met. And she laughed.
I thought I was going to collapse when I heard that laugh. Her talking wasn't like music, her laugh was. I've listened to all kinds of classical piano, but none of it compares to that laugh. My heart turned to mush, and I knew at that moment we would hit it off.
We walked and talked for nearly an hour. I bared everything to her; I was a prisoner to that smile and those eyes. We stared into each others eyes, smiling. I lost myself in her eyes, and I wanted to kiss her. Even though she had an incredible body, I didn't think of her sexually. I just wanted to hold her and be with her, and talk for hours into the night. I wanted to make her laugh, so I could listen to that sweet music. I wanted to lose myself in her eyes forever. I wanted to be with her forever.
That night I dreamt about her. We were somewhere, but I wasn't quite sure of the place. It felt familiar, but perhaps it was somewhere totally bizarre. We were walking along a body of water of some kind, perhaps the lake in the park. She was walking in front of me, and my arms were wrapped around her shoulders. She was resting her head against my shoulder, and I could smell a sweet fruity aroma from her hair. Her hands were resting on mine, and I could feel the soft warmth of them. Then I moved my hands down along her side, and felt her stomach, then moved them up to her face, and I turned her jaw towards mine, and looked into her eyes again. She had gorgeous pink pouty full lips. I met mine to hers for just a moment, but in that moment it felt like eternity, as I felt a charge go through me.
She wasn't there next to me, but it felt like she should be. I felt empty for that instant, but I knew we would see each other the next day, so I didn't worry about it, and quickly fell back asleep.
* * *
We didn't see each other the next day, but the day after. She was running again, and I was walking again. The day was cloudy, but still beautiful. It was a bright gray day, and things looked calm and peaceful, rather that lively and vibrant. I love these days as well.
She jogged by me and just smiled, not showing her teeth. The hair was dancing again. Her eyes were colorful still. She giggled a cute little school girl giggle, and I felt my mouth go wide with a stupid smile. She turned as I turned and was jogging away from me, backwards but much slower.
"Catch me if you can." She sang back to me. And the chase was on.
I kept my eyes on her hair. It was easy to spot, but she wasn't easy to catch. She was fast, and clever. Sweat was glistening off her thighs and arms and freckled forhead. She darted through the evergreen trees, hiding behind some for a moment before darting off again, laughing her musical laugh. I laughed back, trying to catch my breath.
Finally she stops running and plops down on the wet grass. I plopped next to her, staring at her speechless. A few strands of hair fell across her face, over her lips that were slightly open, sucking in hair. Her breasts were bobbing up and down slowly as she caught her breath. Her eyes were closed and she looked perfect.
"You're the angel from my nightmare you know that?" I finally said softly.
Her eyes flashed open. There were the eyes again. "What do you mean?" She asked puzzled.
"You're like an angel, but I'm going to go insane thinking about you. Sort of like a nightmare."
Just a smile. Then another soft laugh. Gentle. Her fingers started walking toward mine. She was still quiet. I was quiet. "Think about me." She finally said, flaring another brilliant smile at me.
I just stared at her, quiet and still. I was becoming aroused, but not in the physical sense, and not by her physical features. Oh, she was gorgeous beyond a doubt. A terrific body, which I tend to look for in the women I meet, but it's different with her. She's got such a clean soul. A golden heart. A terrific personality. I was aroused by those features of her. Her emotional features. I wanted her, but I didn't want her right now. I wanted to wait, and she wanted me to wait. She wanted me to wait to make sure it was her soul and heart that I fell in love with, and not her physical features influencing me. So I waited.
* * *
"You can't touch me." She said once on another walk through the park. This day it was in the afternoon. There were huge pillows of white clouds. A storm was approaching. I love storms.
"How do you mean?" I asked.
"A lot of guys always want to touch me, and not always necessarily sexual, although that is the case sometimes. But I mean just hold me, or hug me, or just a friendly pat on my butt."
"I don't want to." I said smiling.
"What do you mean." She asked. Her voice was loud, but playful; her eyes punched me in the face.
"I don't look at you like that. I don't have sexual thoughts about you, because you're too damn cute, and I just love you too much."
Her cheeks filled with a soft pink that matched her lips. "I think I might just be falling in love with you, too." She said, a shy smile on her face. "Not many guys are like you. I'm not even sure if there are any other guys like you, because I've never met one. Normally if I said that to a guy, he would just cast me aside, and forget about me altogether. I would be too much work for him." She paused a moment, and I could see the pain in her face as she thought about something. Her next words were quiet, as she tried to push them past tears. "Guys just want to," another short pause; her eyes began to water, "they just want to fuck me."
I felt for her. This was the time that I would have given her a hug, but I knew that wasn't appropriate. If I was going to truly show her how much I cared, I was going to have to come up with something else. She wanted the hug too, I could see that, but she understood me. Our spirits were in unison to each other. We could feel each other without the physical touch.
That's when I saw one lone flower on the side of the trail. I was stopped in my tracks by it. I was quiet, just staring at it. I knew it must be out of place, because it was too stunning to be a wild flower. It was a sharp purple color, that reminded me of her eyes. I bent down slowly to inspect it. The petals were soft to the touch, like silk. It felt like what her hair must have felt like. The long green stalk was moist to the touch as I plucked it out of the ground.
"Just consider this a hug from me." I stated tenderly as I held on to the stalk, with the petal just inches from her face. I touched the flower to her forehead and she closed her eyes. I let the flower fall gently along the outside edge of her eye, down her still pink cheek, then it bumped over her open lips and to her chin. Then another tear gently rolled down her cheek and I swept the flower up, catching the tear, and then brought the flower back behind her ear, letting it be my heart in solid form. Then I ran it down and across her neck, the purple standing out against her delicious sherbert skin.
Her eyes opened. Her mouth drew upward to a smile, a smile so big that I've never seen on her before. Her teeth gleaming in the twilight, little dimples on her cheeks. A sniffle. Then a slender finger wiped away another tear. "How did you know?" She asked.
"What do you mean?"
"This is my favorite flower, and also my favorite color."
"I didn't know it, my soul knew it."
"Our souls know each other."
"I can't wait for the day that I'll be ready to be with you."
Another gentle laugh. The laugh like music. "That's why you're so great." She said, waving her elegant finger at me and pushing her hair behind her ear. It's those little things she does that I love. Those little things that I can't live without. Those little things that I imagine in bed at night. Those little things that keep me from thinking of her sexually. It has never happened like this before. I knew we would be together forever. I knew it. It took everything in me that day to break the magnetism between us and leave her.
* * *
"She's the greatest." I said.
"She hot?" Jake asked. He had been my best friend since the third grade. Those words felt cold to me.
"Then what's so great about her?"
"You wouldn't understand. She has something else."
"You're just too god damn happy, dude."
I smiled. "I know."
"Is she fat?"
"No. She's got a great body. Thin and athletic, hair like fire, with cute little freckles on her forehead. But it's her eyes, and her smile. They kill me. I just forget about myself staring at her. Plus she's got such a good soul. It's pure. Like new or something. I'm not really sure."
"Sounds pretty intense. How come we haven't seen her around school."
I furrowed my brow as I contemplated the question for a second. Why hadn't we seen her around? "She must not go here."
"Oh, a Catholic girl, huh? Don't bother with her, dude. She's a waste, you'll never get in her pants."
Jake and I have completely opposite personalities, and maybe that's why we've been friends for so long. We both like to hang out with each other, because we're just so different. He doesn't understand that I'm not in it to get in her pants. "I'm not in it for that. I love her."
His eyes went wide at these words. "You're crazy man. You haven't even been laid yet, and you're already wanting to marry this chick. It's unbelievable."
"She feels the same way. It's like our souls fell in love with each other. It's on another level."
"You're on another level all right. Come back down to Earth; get your head out of the clouds." He shook his head. "I'm out of here. Peace."
* * *
It had been two short weeks now since we first met. We were sitting at the same park bench were we first spoke to each other and this felt like the moment it would finally happen. The first time I would be able to feel her softer than soft lips, and run my hands through her blazing hair.
"I'm ready for you." She said, with her hair swimming in the cool breeze, catching the light. Her skin had faded from it's tan, to a now almost pale white, pearly and luminescent. She was wearing a blue tank top with a low cut, her round breasts pushing up against the shirt and her hair laying across them. She was in tan pants, also low cut, hugging her hips. Her legs were crossed, her wrists at her knee, her fingers fallen coolly. She smiled at me, and I didn't exactly know what to do.
"I've always been ready for you. And I think you've always been ready for me."
"I think you're right."
I moved easily, not thinking, just letting my body move. She closed her eyes, and waited for my lips to meet hers. Her soft pink lips. They would taste like candy. Her hair and skin would feel like warmth. Not just feel warm but be warm. Beyond warm. The essence of warmth. There would be a power and vigor in it. I started to lean in when I heard Jake's voice.
"Stop this." He said, his voice sounding unnormal. I turned to my left away from her.
"Stop what." I looked at him with a perplexed look.
"Dude, I care about you too much to see you do this. You can't have her." His eyes looked different. He wasn't the same person today. He didn't have that same frat boy look. There was care and concern in them. He was being serious with me for probably the first time since I've known him.
"Are you talking about her." I said with a smile, as I turned my head in her direction. He grabbed my chin and turned it back his way, forcing me to stare into his eyes. There was sadness in them now. I could tell he didn't want to do what he felt he had to do.
"What's her name." He said slowly, accentuating each word.
I burped a small chuckle as I realized that I didn't know her name. "I don't know." I tried to turn in her direction, but Jake kept me from it.
"David, I'm so sorry that I have to do this." His eyes began to look glassy, filling up with salty tears. I had never seen him cry before, and he had never used my name with such earnest.
"Do what?" I furrowed my brow.
"Do I have to spell it out for you. Why do you think no one has ever seen her around? Why do you think people look at you funny when you talk to her?"
Suddenly it began to sink in, and the world fell away from me. I turned to look at her, but saw nothing. The liquid fire hair was gone. The glacier eyes weren't staring into mine. The smile wasn't smiling. She was gone. No, she had never been there at all. She was just part of my imagination. My heart started to pound wildly, feeling like an angry boxer punching it's way out of my chest. My body began to feel heavy, like sand.
"She's not real." Jake said softly. The words echoed in my mind over and over, hammering louder and louder, giving me a headache. She's not real. She's not real.
She's not real.
The smile turned to a frown, such a harsh heavy frown that my face began to feel numb. My eyes welled up, pouring out tears. I started to sob on Jake's shoulder.
"How could this happen." I choked out. "How could she not be real." I rubbed my eyes and looked out on the lake, and everything looked ugly to me now. The golden sparks on the water stabbed my eyes with cruel intensity. The ugly gray sky slapped my face and the black trees poked out of the ground like Satan's black bony hands trying to pull me down to Hell.
"I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry." Jake said, as he massaged my shoulder, trying to comfort me. His hands didn't feel comforting, but felt like evil stabs at my muscles, burning and throbbing.
"I feel so empty. It's not even like I had her and lost her. She was never here. This pain of knowing she was never here, it's indescribable. I can't go on."
"Don't talk like that." He replied. I looked at him with empty sad eyes.
"She was nothing, but she was everything to me. I will never know a pain like this again."
"Listen, you're the happy guy, so just be happy. I've never seen you like this, and I never want to see you like this again. It can't be that bad can it.
Yes, I thought to myself. Nothing was beautiful to me. My soul was gone. I was gone.
"Consider me gone." I stated with no emotion. And as I walked away somberly, I thought of something. The angel from my nightmare. And now I know what the nightmare is, the fact that she wasn't here at all.