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Fantasticoe 2001 -  10th Anniversary Issue


Me and the GMAN

Rob Weingeist

Looking back at life before GMAN, I realize I was asleep for 19 years. It was not until I met GMAN that I began to realize what truly was possible in my life. It has been some time since I last talked to GMAN, but our daily interactions in the past lead to some of the best experiences of my life. Perhaps I will talk to GMAN again some day, but only time will tell. GMAN left when I broke his only rule and almost got us both killed.

The story begins about two and a half years ago. I was a lot younger, and totally asleep. I, like many others, thought I was awake; I lived my life as many do, letting things happen to me. Existence was good, but I had no idea what would happen next. It was autopilot mode, day in, day out, stuck in the basic college routine of working too little and partying too much.

I remember the day perfectly. The day we first crossed paths. It was a rare day in Seattle. One of those days that are so perfect that all your problems disappear and everything is pure bliss. The sun shown brilliantly against the deep azure sky, a cool breeze carried the smell of fresh pine to my nose. I was walking to chemistry class with Elliott who was my first "best friend" in college. Elliott and I did everything together. Being a freshman at a college away from home is definitely a strange and wondrous new experience. There is so much to explore, so many new ways to get in trouble and so many new people to integrate into your life. Elliott was not much for going to class and he always had a new experience for us to partake. Those adventures are totally different stories.

Elliott and I were in the kitchen of my fraternity doing an extra credit chemistry experiment that the teacher gave specifically to us claiming, "you couldn't possibly screw this one up."

"Jake, so do we have everything ready?" Said Elliott. Elliott didn't have the chemistry expertise that I have and on top of that he never went to class, so he relied on me to do most of the dirty work.

"Lets see. One clear Pyrex bowl, one large metal spoon, 120ml of slightly heated distilled water, 63.5 grams of NaOH pellets, 120ml of the solution the teacher gave us… I think we are ready. Here goes!" I poured the NaOH and the solution from the teacher into the Pyrex bowl. Slowly I began to pour in the distilled water. The solution began to bubble and churn as I stirred the contents together. The exothermic reaction was quite impressive. The mixture began to boil violently, spewing forth a vile smell and a lot of steam. The spoon heated up very quickly and burned my hand; forcing me to throw it to the ground. "Damn! That shit is hot!" Elliott thought the whole situation was amusing. I was the one with a blistering finger.

That was when it arose. I was guessing I had probably done the experiment incorrectly when like a phoenix from a bonfire; the all mighty GMAN greeted us for the first time. Elliot and I looked at each other uneasily.

"What the heck happened that smell is horrible and what the hell is that thing?" Elliot exclaimed.

"I swear I did everything perfectly. Mr. Wilson said there would be a horrid smell and that the mixture would boil. I just don't know where that thing came from. Maybe it's a byproduct that the teacher just never mentioned."

"That thing is really weird looking. Touch it Jake, you're the one who screwed up the experiment." Elliot always had a fine way of making me do all the work. He was quite a pushy kind of guy and liked to get his way all the time.

"Alright, I will do everything as always, that way we'll get an A+ on the assignment." I remarked.

"Whatever man, I always do all the work for these stupid lab assignments." Replied Elliott. So I did it. I touched GMAN and my life was changed forever.

GMAN looked like a glowing ball of water and was about the size of a women's basketball. I reached my hand towards the glowing ball that was sitting in the Pyrex bowl and I could feel a pleasant energy radiating from it. The energy was something I could feel. The ball made no sound and finally the horrible smell had subsided. As my hand got closer to it I began to feel totally comfortable and at ease. I was entranced by the glowing globe of water and didn't even realize I suddenly had my hand inside the globe. The inside felt amazing. My whole body began to tingle and warmth spread throughout all my muscles.

Then it spoke. I was surprised because it didn't speak to me, my ears didn't hear what it said, it spoke into me, and I could feel what he was telling me. He said, "Thank you for creating me, I don't have enough energy to stay in this form for much longer. Soon I will melt down and conform to whatever container you put me in. If you drink me, I will be inside you, I will be able to talk to you as I am now, guide you, teach you things you never thought were possible and make your life incredible."

The next thing I knew the glowing ball was just a Pyrex bowl full of what looked like water. "Man, what did you do now? Where did that thing go?" Elliott yelled.

"Hey, chill out. It talked to me, told me to drink it."

"Are you crazy? What are you talking about? It talked to you? I didn't hear anything"

"I can't explain it man, it was really weird. When I put my hand in the globe I felt amazing and then I could feel this voice talking to me. It said if I drink the watery looking stuff in the Pyrex bowl it will be inside of me and it can teach me things I never thought were possible. This is really weird, but I wish you could have felt what I felt. I've never felt that amazing in my entire life! I think I am going to drink it."

"Jake, I know we have done some pretty crazy stuff this year but I think you've gone totally insane. You're actually going to drink a chemistry experiment that you claim talked to you? Doesn't that stuff have Lye in it? That'll burn your throat out!"

"Elliott, I really think I have to drink some of that stuff. It's just this gut feeling I have."

"Well, ok, tell me what happens. If you don't die maybe I'll try it after you." Once again Elliott decided I was the one who should go first. I smelled the liquid and it had no odor at all. It looked just like water, maybe a little thicker. I used some litmus paper and discovered that the PH was 7, neutral. So it wouldn't burn my throat out or anything. I poured about two tablespoons of the clear liquid into a glass of orange juice just to make sure the PH was not really basic, and chugged it down. "Hey, it was not all that bad, just made the OJ taste a little salty."

"Watch, you'll drop dead in ten minutes!" joked Elliott. Well, ten minutes later I was definitely not dead. I was feeling like a God as GMAN spoke.

"Hey Jake, thank you, now I can live inside of you, I don't have my own body but together we can make yours fantastic. Don't worry, your still in control, I owe my existence to you so I will only help you when you need me. Oh, and you can call me

GMAN, G for short. Jake, I can hear your thoughts and I know you're scared. Don't be scared though, I promise I'll be nothing but good for you. I just require one rule: I am quite allergic to alcohol so you cannot drink more than a few beers when I am inside you. You will likely kill me if you do, as well as greatly endanger your self."

"Jake, what the heck are you doing? Why are you just spacing off? Are you all wasted or something?"

"No, I was listening to G; he was talking to me again. He says he can hear my thoughts and guide me to a life I could never even imagine possible. God damn I feel good right now!"

"Your life does not look like it is getting any better right now, we have to get this damn lab report typed up and then go to calculus class in a few hours."

"No problem, we'll get it done, G will help us. At least he said he would."

"Jake, have you been smoking crack? Stop this bullshit about someone named G talking to you, you're wigging me out."

"Elliott I'm feeling really damn good right now, I feel totally confident, totally motivated, you should let G be inside of you too." Elliott being the total follower that he was said, "Well, I guess you didn't die, and you seem to be having more fun than I am, pour me some." Elliott's eyes were opened that day too, but he decided to use his new power for things other than school. Over the next few months Elliott and I began to go our separate ways. He just was not the kind of guy who could stay out of trouble for more than a week at a time in college.

I can't say exactly what his experience with G was because he wound up leaving school, but for nearly two years I had daily talks with GMAN. My life started going in directions I never thought possible. Every area of my life was suddenly improving in magnificent ways. When I didn't know what to do or what to say in a situation, G always came to my aid with the slickest words and savvy actions. He totally enhanced my memory recall and I found myself never running out of new exciting ideas and plans for myself. I found that I was completely excited about school for the first time. I pushed myself hard at athletics for the first time in college and became the captain of the basketball team and was named All American two years in a row. Relationships with friends and family were more stable and enjoyable than ever before. I never found myself in an awkward situation and everything in life was absolutely perfect. I seemed to be in a permanent state of good luck. Nothing could go wrong. G and I lived together as one and accomplished what most people can only dream of. I woke up every day telling my roommate, "Why is my life so fucking AMAZING?" Life was beautiful. I was making the all of my own choices and G was looking out for me.

Then one day, disaster struck. I was having a party in my fraternity room to celebrate the end of another school year. Everyone was partying and drinking heavily and I got so wrapped up in having a good time that I forgot G was allergic to alcohol. "Hey Jake, why don't you ever slam down beers with us anymore like you did freshmen year?" someone yelled from across the room.

"Here, catch." I caught the beer that was hurdling towards my head, cracked it open and took a swig. Just to be careful to take care of GMAN I had really not done much drinking over the last two years. I really enjoyed the beer and decided having just one more wouldn't hurt.

"Jake, your poisoning me man. Please don't drink too much or you'll brake my only rule!" I felt G talking to me; usually G was soothing. Now he was harsh and upset. I ignored him and finished the beer.

That was the worst mistake I have ever made. My tolerance was so low that I began to get inebriated to the point of ignoring G. I continued to drink a couple more beers. The extra couple of cheap domestic beers were more than enough to severely intoxicate G. Unfortunately for me, I now had a very drunk, very sick, and quite upset entity inside my body. Then the nightmare began.

G went on a rampage with my body. I had to watch everything happening through my own eyes, but the drunken GMAN was in total control of my body. This situation was definitely not pleasant. I couldn't tell people what was going on because they would probably think I was crazy if I said I had a drunken entity inside me. Either that or they would think I had a really low tolerance and was completely hammered, talking nonsense.

Suddenly my body was running around knocking stuff off the shelves, jumping on tables, and finally took off out my room window. Luckily I was at ground level and didn't have to fall very far. People were standing outside yelling to me, "Jake, what's up man? We were just about to stop by your place."

Words spewed from my mouth without any control. I was horrified as my body began running again and cursing at the people who were talking to me. I just wanted to explain my situation, but all I could do was watch in agony. The people gave me a strange look as I went howling by making bizarre, guttural noises.

Next I found myself running up a flight of stairs to the top floor of the fraternity. Now I was really scared. I prayed that G wouldn't throw me out a top floor window. I had a sinking feeling something bad was going to happen. I watched through my eyes as I began breaking everything that came in my path. Glass shattered all over as I threw an electric razor at the bathroom mirror. An exit sign came crashing down on top of me as I hit it as I ran by.

"Jake, stop! What the fuck are you doing to my house?" I saw the president of the fraternity coming towards me to restrain me. I felt like he would be my savior. As he put his hand on my shoulder, I watched myself suddenly turn and land a punch squarely on his cheekbone. My fists continued flying at his face. The president was a pretty laid back guy who never got very physical. He thought I was just completely hammered. He ducked out of the way and gave me a shove so I would get away from him. Toppling over, my head slammed into a metal door handle.

The pain was not so bad, but I felt a warm trickling down my face. Suddenly I had control of my body again; perhaps the blow had knocked out GMAN. I reached up and felt my head. I discovered a massive wound that was leaking blood at an alarming rate.

As quickly as I had regained control, I lost control again. My body started running once again. Soon my entire shirt was soaked with blood. G ran my body down a flight of stairs and into the living room. I watched as I grabbed a fire extinguisher and began blasting it all over the room. Paintings and posters on the wall were soon covered in yellow fire chemical. Soon the green felt of the pool table was totally doused as well. My body gagged as it inhaled the chemicals. I felt really dizzy and realized I could be dying from blood loss. I felt a warm liquid flowing down my leg. This couldn't be happening I thought to myself.

Then I could hear the sirens. Firemen, policemen, and paramedics came running into the house. GMAN was not done yet. In agony I watched as my body led five men on a chase around the house and yard for almost ten minutes. I was a bloody mess. My mangled, urine soaked body began climbing through my bedroom window. I then fell from the windowsill onto the floor. Several people in my room looked at me like they were seeing a ghost. I felt a pair of cuffs slam on my wrists. Finally my body had been apprehended.

I awoke to find myself strapped to a hospital bed. I reached up and felt my head. I could feel a row of stitches from my forehead to the top of my head. A doctor came in and asked how I was feeling. I had control again. G was not with me anymore. I frantically tried to explain everything to the doctor. "Ok, I understand. I'll be right back." He said, and left the room without removing my restraints. Soon after the doctor left, a nurse came in and began wheeling me somewhere.

"Where are we going now?" I asked.

"Somewhere safe," she replied. I was pushed through double doors, once again not in control of my own body. A sign on the wall said, "Psychiatric Inpatient Unit." I was unable to swallow.

"I can totally explain, I have to talk to GMAN, really, let me go please." I gasped. The nurse took me to a padded cell, kept me in restraint, and shut the door.

A few hours later I was released and taken to a waiting room to call for a ride home. To my surprise some people were waiting for me in the waiting room. My roommate Eric and my friends Bobby and Ase were sitting in the waiting room looking really hung over from the night before. Then I noticed another guy sitting right next to them. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Elliott.

The ride home from the hospital was quite strange. I could remember everything for the horrible night before. My friends told me multiple versions of stories that had spread around campus about what had happened to me. The stories were all flawed in some way or another. I told the story to them as I told it above. Elliott then said that he had meant to contact me but never got around to it. That sounded like the old Elliott I knew. Elliot said he had drunk about a fifth of vodka at a party at his parent's house while GMAN was inside him. He didn't have the same horrific experience as I did but he became unconscious for over four hours and was rushed to the emergency room. When we got home I was officially dubbed the nickname "Trisomy" and "Menace to Society" by my fraternity brothers and was told I could never speak with GMAN ever again or I would suffer their wrath. I know the GMAN lurks somewhere, I just wonder when he'll pop up next. I'll be a little frightened next time.

Acknowledgments: Thanks to the Coe College, Hickock Hall computer lab for allowing me to type the first draft of this paper in solitude. Thanks to G, Elliott, and the University of Puget Sound for inspiration to write this story. Thanks to Coe College for the giving me the idea to include the fire extinguisher in the story. A special thanks to Terry Heller for hosting such a cool class for J-term. Thanks to Quinton McClain for proof reading.

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