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Saving Jesus

Lin Prisbrey

     You may have read about this in the papers:
     On July 1, 1999, a man claiming to be Jesus was arrested in the Wells Fargo bank on 3rd and 1st streets in St. Paul, Minnesota. According to witnesses, Jesus approached the bank teller and demanded four-hundred twenty-one dollars and sixty-seven cents, and not one cent more. At this point, Jesus opened his robe, displaying multiple sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest, a high-powered assault rifle hung by a rope around his shoulder, and a 9mm handgun stuck in the front of his khaki-colored short pants, low enough to see the top of his boxer shorts, with the words BIG PIMPIN' in blue along the back. Jesus is reported as saying, "If you don't hurry, I'll release the apocalypse on your ass a little early."
     The teller sounded the silent alarm, then started diligently counting out the money. As she was handing the money to Jesus, the police arrived, trapping Jesus and 24 hostages in the bank.
     According to Shirley Durkheim* of  Minneapolis, who was on the floor at Jesus' left at the time, he was not happy with the appearance of the officers and attempted to detonate the dynamite. This did not work. After five hours, the police finally reasoned with Jesus, convincing him to give up. Miraculously, no one was hurt.
     This case has puzzled investigators for various reasons. After his capture, Jesus was interviewed by psychiatrists. They determined that there was nothing wrong psychologically with him other than claiming to be Jesus. Furthermore, Jesus knew the answers to nearly every question asked on his "supposed" ministry that appears in the Bible. But when Jesus failed to correctly answer certain questions—such as Greg Norman's current handicap—he was asked why he did not know the answer since he has been claimed to know everything. To this, Jesus responded, "Omniscience, same as omnipotence, only applies when I am outside the world and acting on it, not when I am in the world."
     Jesus would not explain to the doctors how or why he came to Earth or why he was robbing a bank.
     Further, to complicate the situation even more, two of the six doctors that examined Jesus have since converted to Christianity and started their own church, claiming that they had new revelations from Jesus. One of them even has a best-selling book entitled I Asked Jesus, and This is What He Said.
     Jesus was taken to trial on September 15, 1999. He did not claim insanity but instead pleaded not-guilty. In a relatively short trial, Jesus was convicted and sentenced to a minimum of thirty years in prison and further psychiatric evaluation.
     Recently, I have received a copy of an affidavit taken shortly after Jesus' arrest. Given by James Collins, a college student, the affidavit claims that this Jesus is the Jesus of Biblical Christianity, though it provides no proof. When asked, Mr. Collins refused to explain how he knew Jesus or how Jesus came to be in his room. Further, if true, it provides a motive for Jesus' actions.
     What follows is the complete affidavit:

     "So Jesus and I were playing poker that night while drinking some PBR, I think—Pabst Blue Ribbon, which I think was voted the best beer in 1893. It wasn't just me and Him, of course. There was John Clayton, Peter Larson, Clint Louisin, and Casey Tomkinson, I think. Ask them, they'll verify my story. If they remember that night, that is.
     "We were playing Hold 'Em on the coffee table in my room. It was kinda cramped, being your standard college dorm room. It was made worse by my roommate's insistence on having his foosball table and the littering of empty aluminum cans that caused a jingle any time somebody moved. It was dark, which played to my advantage because Jesus couldn't see the other players as easily. He had told us that his all-knowingness is suspended when he's on Earth, but he could still read people exceedingly well. Hence, the darkness and the beer. Jesus brought the beer—four twelve packs, if I remember right. I was beating Jesus, since he had more than his fair share of the twelve packs and was a little loose with his funds.
     "I don't remember what cards had come up, but I do remember that I was holding three of a kind. We went around and bet. It came to the point that I was confident that I would beat Jesus. So I bet everything I had—upwards of five hundred dollars. Jesus didn't have that much, but he said to me, "James, I can get you the money tomorrow, if I lose. But I won't lose."
     "Of course, I didn't believe him. I mean, who would? Would you? No, I don't think so. So I said to him, ‘Jesus, I've never known you to flat out lie to me. But you are going to lose and I want to be confident that I am going to get my 420 dollars that is coming to me.' I was gambling all of a night's work, and I wanted to get my money. I made him promise, which he did grudgingly, because I thought that promise meant something to Jesus. Plus, there's that commandment about not lying, so I thought it was a reasonably safe bet.
     "Turns out that Jesus was holding two pair, jacks and sevens.
     "For as drunk as he was, I believe that Jesus handled the loss well, He said something like ‘Jesus-Fucking-Christ' or ‘God Damnit!' or something like that. I remember it was funny coming from his mouth. We decided we wouldn't play any more that night. Jesus couldn't drive home, so I let him crash on my couch. He must have not been that drunk, because he was up and gone before noon, when I got up. He'd left me a not, which I could barely read cause Jesus' handwriting is simply awful. You wouldn't think that, but it is. Anyway, the note said, ‘James—Thanks for the night, the game, the couch, and the threads. They fit good. I'll bring by you're money later today. See you soon—Jesus.'
     "I don't remember lending Jesus any of my clothes, and I doubt I did, because he took my favorite boxers—they're dark blue and lighter blue letters that say Big Pimpin' on the back. Oh well, I didn't see Jesus that day, and I was getting pissed. But then I realized Jesus was being held in jail. I don't know what I can do about that, but I thought that by coming down here [to police headquarters] I might help. What I have said is the truth, though it may sound a bit unbelievable."

     As suggested, the author visited the friends listed in the affidavit. Although their accounts varied on some of the minor details, there was overall a general agreement with the facts presented.
     It is the author's opinion that this affidavit was never released to the general public, or anybody outside the Federal Bureau of Investigation, because of it's potentially harmful nature. The implications presented are too strong if the public were to read them—and the FBI knew this. What if the government had imprisoned the only begotten Son of God? The author believes the FBI feared a backlash of fundamentalist Christian groups or the activation of Bible-based militias in the pacific northwest.
     The author believes the government's fear of a Christian backlash may come true for the wrongful imprisonment of Jesus. It is the author's intention to inform the general public that the government currently has Jesus under maximum security. We, as believing Christians, must help Jesus. If you can, please send money to the address below. If you can, start stockpiling arms—we must use force if necessary. But above all, we must spread the word to help Jesus from a second unfair trial.

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* All names have been changed.
 


 
 
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