You may have read about this in the papers:
On July 1, 1999, a man claiming to be Jesus
was arrested in the Wells Fargo bank on 3rd and 1st streets in St. Paul,
Minnesota. According to witnesses, Jesus approached the bank teller and
demanded four-hundred twenty-one dollars and sixty-seven cents, and not
one cent more. At this point, Jesus opened his robe, displaying multiple
sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest, a high-powered assault rifle
hung by a rope around his shoulder, and a 9mm handgun stuck in the front
of his khaki-colored short pants, low enough to see the top of his boxer
shorts, with the words BIG PIMPIN' in blue along the back. Jesus is reported
as saying, "If you don't hurry, I'll release the apocalypse on your ass
a little early."
The teller sounded the silent alarm, then
started diligently counting out the money. As she was handing the money
to Jesus, the police arrived, trapping Jesus and 24 hostages in the bank.
According to Shirley Durkheim* of Minneapolis,
who was on the floor at Jesus' left at the time, he was not happy with
the appearance of the officers and attempted to detonate the dynamite.
This did not work. After five hours, the police finally reasoned with Jesus,
convincing him to give up. Miraculously, no one was hurt.
This case has puzzled investigators for various
reasons. After his capture, Jesus was interviewed by psychiatrists. They
determined that there was nothing wrong psychologically with him other
than claiming to be Jesus. Furthermore, Jesus knew the answers to nearly
every question asked on his "supposed" ministry that appears in the Bible.
But when Jesus failed to correctly answer certain questions—such as Greg
Norman's current handicap—he was asked why he did not know the answer since
he has been claimed to know everything. To this, Jesus responded, "Omniscience,
same as omnipotence, only applies when I am outside the world and acting
on it, not when I am in the world."
Jesus would not explain to the doctors how
or why he came to Earth or why he was robbing a bank.
Further, to complicate the situation even
more, two of the six doctors that examined Jesus have since converted to
Christianity and started their own church, claiming that they had new revelations
from Jesus. One of them even has a best-selling book entitled I Asked
Jesus, and This is What He Said.
Jesus was taken to trial on September 15,
1999. He did not claim insanity but instead pleaded not-guilty. In a relatively
short trial, Jesus was convicted and sentenced to a minimum of thirty years
in prison and further psychiatric evaluation.
Recently, I have received a copy of an affidavit
taken shortly after Jesus' arrest. Given by James Collins, a college student,
the affidavit claims that this Jesus is the Jesus of Biblical Christianity,
though it provides no proof. When asked, Mr. Collins refused to explain
how he knew Jesus or how Jesus came to be in his room. Further, if true,
it provides a motive for Jesus' actions.
What follows is the complete affidavit:
"So Jesus and I were playing poker that night
while drinking some PBR, I think—Pabst Blue Ribbon, which I think was voted
the best beer in 1893. It wasn't just me and Him, of course. There was
John Clayton, Peter Larson, Clint Louisin, and Casey Tomkinson, I think.
Ask them, they'll verify my story. If they remember that night, that is.
"We were playing Hold 'Em on the coffee table
in my room. It was kinda cramped, being your standard college dorm room.
It was made worse by my roommate's insistence on having his foosball table
and the littering of empty aluminum cans that caused a jingle any time
somebody moved. It was dark, which played to my advantage because Jesus
couldn't see the other players as easily. He had told us that his all-knowingness
is suspended when he's on Earth, but he could still read people exceedingly
well. Hence, the darkness and the beer. Jesus brought the beer—four twelve
packs, if I remember right. I was beating Jesus, since he had more than
his fair share of the twelve packs and was a little loose with his funds.
"I don't remember what cards had come up,
but I do remember that I was holding three of a kind. We went around and
bet. It came to the point that I was confident that I would beat Jesus.
So I bet everything I had—upwards of five hundred dollars. Jesus didn't
have that much, but he said to me, "James, I can get you the money tomorrow,
if I lose. But I won't lose."
"Of course, I didn't believe him. I mean,
who would? Would you? No, I don't think so. So I said to him, ‘Jesus, I've
never known you to flat out lie to me. But you are going to lose and I
want to be confident that I am going to get my 420 dollars that is coming
to me.' I was gambling all of a night's work, and I wanted to get my money.
I made him promise, which he did grudgingly, because I thought that promise
meant something to Jesus. Plus, there's that commandment about not lying,
so I thought it was a reasonably safe bet.
"Turns out that Jesus was holding two pair,
jacks and sevens.
"For as drunk as he was, I believe that Jesus
handled the loss well, He said something like ‘Jesus-Fucking-Christ' or
‘God Damnit!' or something like that. I remember it was funny coming from
his mouth. We decided we wouldn't play any more that night. Jesus couldn't
drive home, so I let him crash on my couch. He must have not been that
drunk, because he was up and gone before noon, when I got up. He'd left
me a not, which I could barely read cause Jesus' handwriting is simply
awful. You wouldn't think that, but it is. Anyway, the note said, ‘James—Thanks
for the night, the game, the couch, and the threads. They fit good. I'll
bring by you're money later today. See you soon—Jesus.'
"I don't remember lending Jesus any of my
clothes, and I doubt I did, because he took my favorite boxers—they're
dark blue and lighter blue letters that say Big Pimpin' on the back. Oh
well, I didn't see Jesus that day, and I was getting pissed. But then I
realized Jesus was being held in jail. I don't know what I can do about
that, but I thought that by coming down here [to police headquarters] I
might help. What I have said is the truth, though it may sound a bit unbelievable."
As suggested, the author visited the friends
listed in the affidavit. Although their accounts varied on some of the
minor details, there was overall a general agreement with the facts presented.
It is the author's opinion that this affidavit
was never released to the general public, or anybody outside the Federal
Bureau of Investigation, because of it's potentially harmful nature. The
implications presented are too strong if the public were to read them—and
the FBI knew this. What if the government had imprisoned the only begotten
Son of God? The author believes the FBI feared a backlash of fundamentalist
Christian groups or the activation of Bible-based militias in the pacific
The author believes the government's fear
of a Christian backlash may come true for the wrongful imprisonment of
Jesus. It is the author's intention to inform the general public that the
government currently has Jesus under maximum security. We, as believing
Christians, must help Jesus. If you can, please send money to the address
below. If you can, start stockpiling arms—we must use force if necessary.
But above all, we must spread the word to help Jesus from a second unfair
* All names have been changed.