Fantasticoe 2006

Fantasticoe Home Page
 
 

Bryce Menke
The Martian Leech

            Inside of the Galaxies End Space Stop, Hunter and Lazlo were sitting in a booth, next to a window, waiting for their waitress to come back with their check.  Hunter removed the cigarette from the long black filter, which he used to smoke all of his cigarettes.  After he did this, he took a new one out of his pack and placed it in the end of the filter and lit it.  Hunter was wearing his favorite Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt, pants cut off above the knee, and the dirty white sneakers that he never wore socks with.  Hunter looked up from the table and saw through his yellow tinted sunglasses that the waitress was approaching them.

           "Here is your check, fellas," the waitress said in a soft voice. 

           "I was abducted from Earth," said Hunter, trying to impress the human-looking waitress standing at his table. "Yeah, I was also about sold into slavery, but this big oaf saved me, because he thought that I was the funniest Earthling that he had ever met," he said, pointing across the table at Lazlo, his only friend in the entire galaxy. 

            The funny thing about this was that Hunter was telling the truth to the waitress.  Lazloís home planet is that of a race who abduct beings from other planets and sell them into slavery all around the galaxy. 

            Lazlo, who is also known as Laz for short , was a shape-shifter. This helps the crowd respond to their act better, because the audience can relate closer to someone of their own race.  However, his natural form looks like a huge, silver-back gorilla, without hair covering his body but more like that of a humanís and the posture of a human.  His body was short and really muscular; the rest of him looked like a gorilla. 

            Every time Hunter looks at him, he knows why his people have that ability, because they look funnier than a du ck-billed platypus. 

            The two of them are a comedy team along the lines of the classic Three Stooges.  They travel the galaxy and go to whatever planet their manager tells them to.  Some places suck, while some they donít want to leave.

            Hunter took his attention off of his primate looking friend right when he saw the waitress walking back to the table that they were seated at.  She was coming back to take the money for their meal. 

           "Are you ready for me to take your check back?" she asked curiously.

           "Where are you from?" Hunter was wondering.

           "Nowhere close to here," she replied.

           "Me too, Iím from Earth or I was from Earth," Hunter started to tear up.

             Lazlo knew what routine was coming because he swears that he has heard it in about every space stop they go to. 

"Until those bastards blew it up last week," Hunter let out a cry and dropped his head face down into his arms that were crossed on the table. 

           "Oh no, who would do that type of thing?" the waitress felt the need to care about Earth but to her knowing where Earth is, is like knowing how Michael Jackson got off so many times because no one knows that.

           "Some Carpathians flew their space ships that were full of proton-reversing bombs into it causing the core to explode," Hunter said this with tears running down his cheeks.

           "I feel so bad for you; if there is anything I can do.  This is how you can get a hold of me," the waitress said, handing Hunter a napkin. "Is there anything else I can get you?" she asked.

           "No, weíre fine now," Lazlo said because he was ready to get back to space travel.

            The waitress started to walk away and turned around and mouthed"sorry" to Hunter.  All Hunter could do was wave then she turned around and when she did he couldnít help but stare at her nice round ass.  Then all of a sudden he saw a tail come out from under her skirt and scratch the backside of her calf.  This shocked the shit out of Hunter, he didnít care though because he has seen worse things on a woman. 

           "So what is the dameís name?" Lazlo asked, not surprised that it had worked again.

           "Lulana," Hunter replied, proud of his latest achievement. 

           "You ready to get out of this hell hole of nothingness?" Lazlo was getting sick of some of the creatures inside the restaurant starring at him.

            They got up and left the restaurant that was attached to what would resemble a truck stop on Earth.  It was all enclosed in what looked like a bubble that regulated an atmosphere so ships could fly in and out. 

            While they were leaving, a huge space transport came in with one engine working out of three.  When it landed, the ship almost crushed two small space ships, probably belonging to a couple of the workers at the station.

            The two of them came up onto their beauty of a space ship.  At first you would probably think that it was just a big recreational vehicle with wings about 20 feet long on each side and an engine underneath each wing.  Little do most people know, their ship has two super engines for"special  occurrences" that tend to happen when you do things on some planets that the locals donít really like too well. 

            Lazlo punched Hunter in the chest and said that he wanted to drive and he got into the driver seat, so it was settled.  Before Hunter could even sit down, Lazlo had begun to lift off and drive out of the Galaxies End Space Stop. 

            As Hunter settled into his navigator seat, he looked at Lulanaís number and he realized that he wanted to actually pursue this one.  Most of the time he just did that act as a joke to get Lazlo mad.  He was still curious about what other secrets she might be hiding.  But with Hunterís busy lifestyle,  he usually has no time to deal with females.  He was always going to different planets, experiencing new lifestyles.

           "So where are we off to on this new adventure?" questioned Lazlo.

           "Actually, weíre going to be getting close to your home planet of Slaveron 5 for this show.  This planet is actually called Earth 2.  I have never been there before, is it like my Earth, if you know?" Hunter liked asking Lazlo space questions because he always somehow knew the answer.

            The Earth that they were going to was nothing like the Earth that Hunter  had lived on before he was abducted.  The only similarity was the look of it from space and that is the reason it was called Earth 2.  The inhabitants of this planet were basically bald eagles that were tall like a normal human and had human-like posture.  Their legs, however, were long versions of bald eagle legs.  They still had wings with hands at the end and had heads like a bald eagle.  When Hunter saw Lazlo turn into what they looked like he damn near died because he was laughing so hard at how ridiculous those creatures looked. 

            Lazlo was getting sick of driving and he told Hunter that they had to get there and no pit stops, then Laz  jammed the accelerator so they could get to light speed capability.  Once they were at that speed, Hunter entered the coordinates for Earth 2 into the navigational computer.  Lazlo didnít delay and pressed the flashing red button causing their ship to jump into light speed. 

            As they were in hyperspace, Hunter asked Lazlo what goodies they had for this show.  He replied by saying, "A Martian Leech, along with some of the usual stuff."

            Right after Lazlo said that their ship came out of hyper space and they saw Earth 2 in front of them.

           "Wow, they werenít lying.  It does look like my home world.  I wonder if they have any shape-shifting prostitutes," Hunter said with smoke coming out of his mouth.

           "Yea that would be fucking awesome wouldnít it Hunter.  I havenít had a visit from a Slaveronian girl in awhile," Laz said in his raspy voice.

            Just then the ship started to bounce vigorously and it made Lazís focus turn to it entering the atmosphere of Earth 2. 

"Holy shit! What in Godís name is causing the bouncing?" Hunter said as his stomach instantly dropped.

           "It is nothing.  We are just entering the atmosphere of Earth 2.  The bouncing will stop in a little bit," Lazlo said controlling the steering wheel to steady the ship. 

           "Well if it doesnít I just might throw up, that beautiful meal that we had earlier, on your lap," Hunter said with his face turning from a shade a brown to damn near white.

            Right after Hunter said that the bouncing stopped.  They both looked around and they saw some of the most beautiful clouds that they have ever seen.  The clouds were completely white; they looked like white pieces of cotton candy floating in the air.  They descended down below the cloud line and saw a busy city below them.  All they saw were these eagle looking beings flying around everywhere, weaving in between giant skyscrapers.  The reason their atmosphere is so clear is that they donít need any vehicles to go anywhere. 

           "Well, obviously the first thing that we need to do is to check into our hotel, donít you think Laz?" Hunter questioned changing once again another cigarette and lighting it up.

           "What is the hotel that we are staying at this time?" Laz wanted to know.

           "I think it was called the Golden Feather," Hunter replied.

            Directly after Hunter uttered that phrase, he looked to the left and saw a sign with bright yellow and red neon lighting that said"Golden Feather Parking Here" with a large arrow pointing down.

           "I think that the Feather is over there Laz," Hunter said in a sarcastic voice pointing at the sign.

            Lazlo turned the ship in the direction of the sign.  Once they got to it Lazlo began to land the ship on the giant valet parking platform that was directly underneath their ship.  Once the ship was on all four wheels, they were greeted with a friendly knock on the door and a voice.

           "Welcome to the Golden Feather Hotel.  May I take your bags and the keys to your vehicle to park it in our garage, " the voice squawked outside of the door.

            Hunter got out of his seat and walked towards the door.  Instead of opening it like a normal person, he decided to kick it open nearly hitting the valet in the beak.

           "What the hell do you want!" Hunter shouted at the valet, who was scared shitless after nearly being knocked out by the door.

           "I-I just want to help you with your bags, Sir.  Thatís my job, I mean you no harm," the eagle looking valet in a red dress coat and no pants said trembling in fear of Hunter. 

           "O-Ok, why didnít you say that to begin with.  If you would have I wouldnít have been forced to nearly hit you with the door," Hunter said putting his arm around the valet continuing to ask him a question,"So are you a male or female of your kind because I have never been here before?"

           "We have your room ready for you gentlemen.  If you want to directly go up there you can," the valet said still trembling with his hand out offering them their room keys.

           "You still havenít answered my question there buddy," Hunter said taking the keys out of the valetís hand.

           "I am a male sir.  Now follow me I will show you to your room," the eagle boy said fixing his jacket and raising his head in the air.

            The two followed the valet up to their room, and they were being stared at by everyone in the hotel the whole way up.  It was as if they had never seen a human being before like Hunter.  After they took an elevator up to the third floor, the group began to walk down a long hallway and came to their room.

           "Room 311 gentlemen.  Now I hope that you enjoy your stay here at the Golden Feather," the valet said opening the door for Hunter and Lazlo.

           "Yea we will," Lazlo said slamming the door shut on the valet.

            The two of them brought the luggage in and threw their suitcases on their respective beds.  Hunter began to rummage through the room looking for any type of liquor.  He looked through every possible shelf, drawer, and cupboard that there was in the room.

           "What the fuck is the matter with this planet.  How could they not provide their guests with any type of booze this planet makes.  That isnít a very good host in my opinion and I already do not like this fucking planet," Hunter furiously said slamming the last cupboard shut.

            At that time Lazlo began to pull out the brown wooden box with a thumb scanner on the front below the lid, only Lazlo and Hunter have access to it.  This box is the one possession that cannot be found by any authority figure because it held all of Lazloís secret stash.

            Holding the box by the handle on the top he set it in the center of the table and pressed his thumb on the scanner pad.  After Laz did this the lid began to slowly lift up and open on the back hinge.  Lazlo searched for something special for a moment.  After a few moments of looking Lazlo lifted a small jar out of the box with a little red leech wiggling around in it.

           "What is that?" Hunter demanded to know now.

           "That is a Martian Leech," Lazlo said,"This is the rarest thing in my collection of space drugs.  I read that all you need is a half of one and it will make you see some of the craziest things that a person could ever imagine."

           "Tonight is our free night Lazlo, you do realize this," said Hunter hoping that Lazlo would cave as usual, and then try the leech and see what happens.

           "I do realize this, it is just that I donít know what the effects of this will be, because I have never done this before," Laz responded with uncertainty in his voice.

           "I think that we should figure out the effects of this thing together.  I mean we have the whole rest of the day to do this.  I think that it would make this planet a little more interesting," Hunter said handing Lazlo the pocket knife.

            Lazlo looked at the knife then at Hunter, who was slowly nodding his head up and down with this little devilish grin, where you couldnít see his teeth with all of the smoke coming out.

           "Ok," Laz sighed taking the knife out of Hunterís outstretched hand.

            Lazlo opened the jar and turned it upside down and watched the leech fall onto the table.  They both starred at the leech squirming there for a little bit.  Lazlo pulled the blade into position on the knife.  He moved the knife over the squirming leech at a point that Lazlo thought was halfway and began to cut into the leech, causing it to stop squirming. 

            Hunter instantly grabbed a section and popped it into his mouth like a Tic-Tack and swallowed.  Lazlo did the same thing right after he put the knife away.

           "I am telling you this right now," Lazlo began to say, "You are not leaving my sight today.  We don ít need another incident like what happened on Ripeon."

            What happened on the planet of Ripeon was after a performance, Hunter and Laz were partying pretty hard.  Hunter got so fucked up on different types of substances that he ran away from the hotel they were staying at.  Lazlo was forced to contact the authorities to find him.  The police on that planet told Lazlo that Hunter had been picked up that night for running naked through the streets and skinny dipping in a fountain outside city hall.

           "Sounds good, this way if I get arrested so do you.  We will have fun in jail together at least," Hunter said through his teeth.

            After about five minutes in the hotel room, they got bored.  They decided to leave the hotel and walk around the city. 

            They walked around for about ten minutes and finally found a place that served these drinks that were some sort of alcohol called Maelstrom.  The bar that they were at was about half full.  Hunter and Laz found a seat at the bar and ordered a drink.  After one of it Hunter noticed how it tasted like a type of tequila he had before on his Earth.  He finished his first in no time and ordered another.  After the second drink he could feel something happening.  Hunter looked at Lazlo and noticed he was looking all around as if he heard different things going by his head. 

           "Are you alright Laz?"

           "I think so, but I keep hearing these bugs go past my ears and they are really pissing me off," he replied.

            Hunter was looking at Laz through his yellow tinted sunglasses when he was saying this to Hunter.  Right after Laz finished saying the last word, Hunter saw his best friend melt, like a stick of butter in the microwave, into a puddle of liquid Lazlo.  Hunter instantly took off his sunglasses, shook his head violently and looked at his buddy again.  This time Laz was perfectly back to normal.

            "I think we should leave, I think the leech is getting to me Lazlo.  I might end up freaking out because I feel everyoneís eyes on me.  I think that they all might be plotting something against us, so we should leave now," Hunter whispered in Lazís ear.

            They both stood up at the same time and walked slowly backwards to the door.  This way they wouldnít turn their backs on the people in the bar.  They hit the double doors and pressed each one open with their backs and turned out of the bar with the doors closing behind them.

            It was bright outside so the two of them raised their hand over their eyes to shade them.  They looked up at the bright sun and then back down.  Once their eyes had adjusted Hunter looked around and saw in amazement that there were no longer eagle looking creatures walking around. 

           "Lazlo, do you see what I see?" Hunter asked.

           "Do you see giant lizards walking around on two legs," Laz replied.

            The two both saw six foot tall bipedal lizards walking all around them.  They had about three foot long tails coming out the back of their clothing.  Hunter noticed that some of them looking at him in a very curious manner as if they wanted to eat him. 

           "Laz, I think we need to move.  Letís start heading towards the hotel because I donít think it is safe on the streets anymore," Hunter said once again removing another cigarette out of his black filter and replacing it with a new one out of his pack, then lighting it before he put the pack of smokes and lighter back in his pocket.

            Just then, Lazlo heard someone yell, "Sir, we need to talk to you right now!"

            Lazlo looked to his right where Hunter was standing next to him.  He saw a lizard in a police uniform pointing in their direction.  Lazlo grabbed Hunter by his shirt sleeve yanking him in the direction of the hotel. 

           "We need to get back to the hotel right now because those officers want you for some reason,"  Lazlo told Hunter. 

            Just when the two of them turned right onto a new street they were met by a pair of lizards with badges. 

           "We need to talk to you, sir," one of the officers said, "You cannot smoke on this planet.  It is against the law and since you are an outsider either you must put it out and not smoke here again or we will be forced to arrest you, and not let you leave the planet."

           "Do you two smelly lizard cops know who you are dealing with?" Hunter told them sternly.

           "Sir, we are not lizards.  Also, we donít care who we are dealing with, we are officers of this planet,"  the same lizard replied.

           "Well I am the president of the International Comedy Committee and you fellas look like fucking lizards and thatís that.  Also, I will never put this cigarette out," Hunter cackled with smoke pouring out of his mouth.

            After Hunter said this, Lazlo proceeded to kick the officer in front of him in the nuts.  Then turned to the other officer and punched him in the stomach, causing the cop to drop on the ground. 

           "Holy Shit Lazlo, look at what you did.  That was probably the coolest thing I have ever seen.  I should be your manager and you should become a professional lizard fighter," Hunter said with another burst of smoke coming out of his mouth.

            Lazlo and Hunter began to walk away from the scene and turned another corner.  After they rounded it, they started running in the direction of the Golden Feather.  They did not cease running until they arrived at the front door of the hotel and were on their way up to their room.  Lazlo told the same valet that greeted them to go get their ship because they were leaving.

           "Why canít we get away from all of these fucking lizards," Hunter yelled running through the lobby.

            Lazlo arrived at their room first and immediately started to pack his suitcase.  A couple seconds later, Hunter kicked the door open.  He instantly started to pack his suitcase , putting all sorts of soaps and towels from the bathroom in it as well.  Then he looked at the table in the corner and saw two bottles sitting there.  They were bottles of Maelstrom, it had a note next to them that said:

           "Your manager said that you would need some alcohol, so we hope that these will help.  The Golden Feather"

            Hunter grabbed them off the table and put them both in his suitcase along with some of his clothes and all of the free stuff out of the hotel.  While Hunter was in the process of packing the bottles in his suitcase he said to Lazlo, "It is nice of this place to give us the free booze, but since I canít smoke here I will recommend this place to be blacklisted and never visited by any comedian again."

            When they were done packing, the two of them walked out of the door leaving it wide open with the keys in it on the table.  They went to the elevator down the long hall and traveled up to the platform where their ship was waiting.

            Lazlo met the valet at the door to go into the ship.  The valet didnít know why they were leaving so soon, but it wasnít his place to ask who stays or who goes.  Laz walked in and sat in the driverís seat to start the ship.  He turned the key and the engine started right up.  When Hunter walked into the ship he turned to the valet.  He looked at the valet for one last time, he was still looking like a fucking lizard.  He then handed the valet a cigarette and said, "Your planet sucks, smoke this."

            After Hunter gave the valet the smoke, the ship began to leave the ground and Hunter knew that they were leaving the planet.  He set his suitcase on the couch and shut the door before they got too high.  Hunter opened his suitcase and pulled out a bottle of Maelstrom and walked up front.

            Lazlo punched his foot on the accelerator and the two of them started to speed their way to the atmosphere. 

           "I think that we need some extra juice to get off of this planet faster," Lazlo said as he pressed the big green button that said "Blast Off" on it.

            The next thing that they knew, these two huge engines started to come out of the backend of the ship, right underneath the rear window.  When they were totally uncovered, they ignited and the ship shot right out of the atmosphere.  When they were safely off of the planet, Lazlo pressed the same green button, turning off the engines this way they can go back into their secret hiding place.

            With the engines back in their hiding spot, the ship started to slow down to a cruise.  Lazlo sat in the driverís seat turning the steering wheel to control it whenever.  Hunter was in his seat looking down at the bottle.  He twisted off the cap, breaking the new seal. "I need a drink after this experience," Hunter said before he chugged a quarter of the bottle, "I needed that."

           "Give me a drink of that," Laz demanded with his hand outstretched for the bottle.

            Hunter gave Lazlo the bottle; Lazlo proceeded to drink another quarter of the bottle in one drink.  The taste was refreshing to Laz this time; because they were finally off of the planet so he had a huge relief off of his head.

           "Laz, do you think that the Martian Leech that we had made us see the lizards or what?" Hunter asked Laz.

           "I honestly donít know, buddy.  For all I know, it could have been a mixture of the booze and the leech," Lazlo responded, shrugging his shoulders. 

            The two of them had no idea where they were going to go next.  They were going to just travel around space and stop at whatever looked exciting to them.  All they knew was that they would watch each otherís backs, and they were going to cause some trouble wherever they went. 


Acknowledgments

            I would like to thank the class, for having to put up with reading this piece of work.  I would also like to thank them for helping me in revising the story, without that it would have sounded really bad.  Also, thank you Professor Heller, you provided a lot of assistance on how to fully formulate my ideas.  Finally, I would like to thank Tyler Spratt, he was also in the class but he provided me with the character description of Hunter for my story.  Before he told me this I had no description for Hunter, so he helped my story out immensely.