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 Clown Time 101

Jesse McCormack

Month after month, parents hired the checkered clown, unaware of his different tendencies. And month after month, his real intentions were never known. Some might be quick to label this strange harlequin jester a pedophile, but that would be too… predictable. Two months without a birthday party though hadn"t really whetted the clown"s appetite.

This tale begins at Tiffany"s 17th birthday party in May. Not the kind with pin-the-tail on the crocodile or a cake walk. Her parents really thought hiring a clown to watch their little girl was cool.
           "Alright, children..." 

Tiffany shot Jolly Jim a look of complete disgust.
           "Who wants blueberry cobbler? It"s Tiffany"s favorite!"

"I hate blueberry cobbler actually," said Tiffany with strain in her voice.
"Tiffany. Cut the cake. We"re starving," proclaimed the clown with fake concern.
"Will it make you leave sooner?"
"Don"t be like that. You can get a flavor explosion in your mouth,"

Tiffany"s eyes glared intensely at the clown.
          "Um... Wow... I"m good."
          "C"mon Tiffany. We are starving up in here," whined her friend.
          "Fine. Chill out, Drake. "
As Tiffany gave in to peer pressure, she just couldn"t read the clown"s eyes. They were like cotton candy without any coloring.
          Over Jolly Jim"s thirty seven years of living, he had learned to shroud all thought and emotion behind glitter that would make Adam Lambert look like a man. He had the classic emo haircut too, just with blue and green streaks, so one of his powdered sugar expressionless eyes was always hidden. The other one was merely cryptic.

"This cake sucks!" complained Edwina as she threw her slice of cake on the ground and stomped on it.

"Jolly whatever your name is, I don"t want you here. No one likes clowns" criticized Tiffany.

Jim wasn"t going anywhere though. The chemicals would make these brats go at it like animals in just forty five minutes. And Tiffany? Well she would get better acquainted with Drake, so no worries.

While the teenagers were hammered, Jolly Jim sprayed alcoholic cologne throughout the house so that no one would remember the night. Tiffany never heard the sadist"s laughter in the laundry room when he slashed into his prey with the recklessness of a broken and groaning rollercoaster ride. When she woke up, all she wanted to know was if the clown had raped her. The pregnancy test was negative.
          August gave Jolly Jim nine opportunities. Again, the drugged teenagers had no idea of any carnage at the parties. Although most people in Partonia were oblivious, Tiffany"s father Jared knew something was amiss but was unaffected when he swung by his ex"s house. Over the years, Jared had acquired immunity to colognes by arresting countless teen partiers.

It smells like sauerkraut cooked in beer. That"s not cool. I must see what this madness is! I wish I were blind. Shit. Someone had a little too much time on their hands. 

Blood was the only color that his eyes perceived. The laundry room was a canvas of two festering white spheres and countless patches of grey. The cries for his daughter were not returned.

In September, it was time for Donnie"s birthday party. Apparently teenagers were stupid enough to believe that hiring a clown could get them high while parents were out of town. This could work though if it led to the same succulent result.

          "Do you kids want some beef tacos?" suggested Jim with urgency. 

"Not really. I"m kind of pregnant. I want sugar," said a masked friend of Donnie"s.

"Donnie, where"s the laughing gas you promised? I haven"t inhaled in two weeks," moaned Neslie. 

Jim laughed forcefully, with obvious tension in his voice.

"I don"t have laughing gas. I have something better."

"I need booze now! I"m stressed out!" screamed Tommy.

Jim"s shoulders went 8 flights down on the elevator of anxiety.
          "Look in my backpack. Donnie can pour shots for everyone."
          "Yeah right. You brought it. It"s your deal."
          "Oh Donnie. A real man can hold his liquor" teased the pregnant masked woman.

While Donnie poured the drinks, his eyes squinted at the clown.

"You need to drink too. You"re killing the vibe. I have to make a phone call," said the pregnant girl as she disappeared.
          "I can"t drink alcohol. I have a condition."
          "No shit? I think you"re lying" proclaimed Mashonda.

The clown"s eyes darted towards the hallway.

          "I have to take a piss. I"ll be back."
          After forty minutes, the clown finally snuck to the laundry room. The cat was already in its litter box. In seconds, the cat"s body lay sprawled on the washing machine. Ears were chopped off and licked for their salty flavor. Blood smothered the clown"s face like a garden sprinkler. The cat"s mouth became a tongue less cave. Then Jolly Jim severed the paws to fry later in a skillet. Not so surprisingly clowns enjoy cleaning their faces with tongues too. For the grand finale, Jolly Jim lifted up the cat"s tail so he could really delight himself.

Right after Jim"s face lit up, he was disrupted by a whiny mouse voice.
          "Did you know you"re my baby"s father?"
          "Tiffany? Don"t be silly. You"re a child."

Tiffany"s eyes widened to the size of fine china dinner plates when she entered the laundry room.

"What did you do to my cat? You"re a monster. You rape teenagers and have sex with dead cats."

As Tiffany started her emotional breakdown, her hands independent of her mind reached for a gun from the closet. Sadly today wasn"t her day though since the gun backfired on her.

          "Thank god women don"t know how to fire guns," sighed Jolly Jim in relief. His inflated ego made him not hear the garage door open or the footsteps walk towards the laundry room where the pregnant Tiffany lay dead with the mutilated Mrs. Fuzzy Pie.

          "Yep. I"ve got nothing to worry about." 

          "Nope, but I can. I didn"t want to be a grandfather yet!"

Jolly Jim darted at Jared with his blood stained knife and manic facial expression.  Jolly Jim"s raving lunacy was no match for Jared though who simply stepped out of the way, leaving the clown"s knife lodged in the laundry room closet door.

"Tiffany? My baby girl. Are you okay?"

Tiffany"s body did not move. 

"You see this? You killed my daughter, you killed a cat and you had sex with a teenager. If I had a choice, you would get so much more than just jail time."

"Why?"
          "You really are a fucking idiot, aren"t you?" grumbled Jared.
          "I just love animals. There"s nothing wrong with a little fun." hissed Jolly Jim.

"And I suppose that eating cats is fun for you?" mocked Jared in complete disbelief.
"I just like the taste of fur and flesh that no woman could ever satisfy for me. All of my girlfriends never understood me, so I killed them too but then decided cats were just so much more... appetizing" slurred Jolly Jim in a really bad Mila Kunis imitation.

Jared rocketed at Jolly Jim with the knife, ready to kill.

"You"re crazy. Jail might be too sane for you" hissed Jared in sheer anger and disgust.
 "Stranger things have happened and will happen."
 "Drop the fucking attitude. You"re going to jail."
"Fine. I can"t die though as long as cats live." said the clown with complete seriousness.
"Don"t give me that crap."
"I eat humans too when they doubt me." 

Jim licked Jared"s face and gnashed his teeth, ready to embrace his cannibalistic side, but Jared pulled the trigger. Instead of a bleeding carcass, there were many dead rat babies.

"Hey Dad."

"Tiffany. You're alive!"

"No duh. What are you going to do with these dead rats?"

"I am gonna take them to the dump."
          No one asked for the next three months what exactly had transpired in the two houses. No one knew except for Jared that more than one cat had been slaughtered over the past six months. Everyone had been so quick to assume that their cats had ran away or been struck by a car, but the truth is that Jolly Jim is the culprit behind all missing pets. 

On January 10th, Tiffany was extremely hungry. She drove to Taco Bell and bought cheesy gordita crunches, but instead of getting that delicious mouthwatering taste of fake meat, her skin started to shiver. She looked outside and saw a cat, and then that pregnant girl inexplicably ran after it with foam drizzling down her face like a rabid dog. She stabbed the cat with her spork, and she dined on cat flesh for dessert.