Slouching over the bathroom sink, I splash a handful of cold water on my face. Trying to wash the haze out of my mind, I remember last evening. I knew she couldn't resist a guy like me. After all, I had all the answers before she even thought of the questions. How could she stop my advances, when I knew what she would do before she did it? I came back the night before our date and told myself what to do and how she would respond to my actions. I had to go back twice, but it was worth it to get everything just right, and have her come around. They all give in, it's just a matter of time and time is my ally. Nothing gives a guy more confidence then knowing the future. Smiling triumphantly in the mirror I let the cool water drip from my face. I look at my reflection in the mirror and talk to it as if it were my twin. "Another babe bites the dust. Damn! I should have used a rubber, no telling what could develop in a few months. Hell, who has time for that? She could have changed her mind and she was ready. Oh well, I have women to do and I must choose the time to do them in".
Since I discovered the secret of time travel, my sex life has taken an up turn. Going back in time and making subtle changes in my approach toward women has made a remarkable difference. No longer worried with making a wrong move or saying the wrong thing, I have become more sure of myself. As the saying goes, success builds success and I am proving that statement true. How many times have I wished "if I could do that over again, I would do it differently". Well, now I can and I do and that has made all the difference.
I know enough not to make major alterations that would change the future. However, small tweaks here and there have both improved my sex life and cleared up my complexion like my friends had told me would happen. I just go back in time the night before to give myself a few helpful hints. A little bit of personal info about my date and presto change-o, I wake up the next morning with a great big smile.
Except last Friday, when mom and dad came back from Miami a day early and caught me with Sharon. It was just about to get interesting when Sharon put my hand upon her breast. Sharon was looking at me with those innocent doe eyes of hers and I could tell she wanted to continue from where we had left off the night before, this pace was fine with me because I was worked up already. We hurriedly took off each others clothes wanting to get at each other and satisfy the urgency surging within us. Stark naked we were rolling around on the family room sofa, then I get cut short by this shriek in my ear. Well, to make a frustrating story short which is how I felt, mom and dad walked in. I thought mom was going to birth a cow in the doorway the way she carried on. Hell, I'm the one who should be mad, I had spent three days priming Sharon and they walked in and buggered it up.
I wonder how they would like it if I walked in on them doing it? Ha! Fat chance, they probably haven't done it in so long, they have forgotten how. Besides, I could wait for years waiting for them to feel amorous again and heat up that bed chamber. Refrigerator is more like it, those two must look like a couple of dead fish lying on a bed of ice in a butcher's window. Yes, there is nothing exciting going on in that room, the show playing in there is definitely "G" rated. It probably would be canceled if it was aired on PBS television for being boring.
I've got it! Mom always said I was conceived in an ice storm. She talked of how romantic the night was, the ice knocked out the power and they had to light candles and sit by the fireplace to keep warm. Well, I guess the soft light, crackling embers of the fire, and a blanket to cuddle under was to much even for them to resist.
Well, maybe I'll just pay a visit on those lovebirds and surprise them. Oh I won't shake them too much, just enough to lower their fever a bit for embarrassing me. I wouldn't want to rattle dad so much that he couldn't perform his fatherly duty. Then what would become of me? Nothing I guess, I "just" would never have existed. Hell, what am I thinking of? I'm traveling back in time nineteen years ago dad will be younger, I'm sure his pen wasn't low on ink. Besides, if it starts to skip, he can wait ten minutes and slip in a refill, that's what I would do.
That settles it, I can't wait to go back and see the expression on their faces when I pop in. Let's see, their internal clock starts to slow at 9:00 p.m. and they are always in bed by 10:00 so I'll set the time for 9:30 p.m. November twenty-seventh, and nineteen years ago would make it just right. O.K. mom and dad, ready your not, but here I come.
* * * * * * * *
Burr is it cold in here, I should have thought to bring a jacket. I'll bet the two love machines are downstairs, lets see what they are up to. OH God! Mom, don't do that, it's bad enough knowing they have sex, but to see them actually doing it. Ugh! I could lose my lunch. I thought they were straighter than that.
Well, it doesn't sound like dad can hold out much longer so I had better make my appearance soon. I'll set my return for ten seconds and pop out on them. Ready set. Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, "hi mom, hi dad", CLICK FLASH, one, POOF back I go.
* * * * * * * *
Caught them in the act, the look on their faces was worth it. Oh, I am glad I took a camera, they probably thought the flash was a arc from a downed power line. Oh well, it's time to get up, I can hear that damn alarm. Where is that Polaroid, I have to see their expressions once more. Ah, here it is. Gee, he looks frightened, I must have surprised him more than I thought. The picture is a little out of focus though, or is it me? I better wash the sleep out of my eyes.
Slumping over the bathroom sink, I cup my hands together and let them fill with cold water which I splash on my face. Damn! We should have used a rubber last night. No telling what could develop in a few months. Ohhh. Ow. That hurt. Damn cramps, must be my period. At least I'm not pregnant. Thank God! It sucks that this happens just to women.
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