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Fantasticoe 1996

Ucko Bucko

by Dana Voss

     Once upon a time in the land of Ucko-Bucko there lived a King and a Queen. The King Oliver and the Queen Olivia were very happy together except they were unable to bear children.

     "Dear, I have been thinking about our little problem. Olivia, since we are not able to have children, I have decided that we need to take drastic measures," Oliver stated.

     Queen Olivia, not sure what to say, replied, "Oliver, dear, we have only been trying for ten years. What's the big hurry anyway? Are you unhappy with me?"

     "Of course I'm not dear, but I need an heir to my throne. We can't just have anyone stepping in to take my place. I think it would be a good idea if we went to see the sorcerer. We have tried almost every other gimmick there is. Why not try one last scam?"

     "Well Oliver, you are the King and I do love you, but this seems a bit far fetched. I will go with you, but if he does anything strange, I am leaving and you are coming with me. Understood?"

     So King Oliver and Queen Olivia set up an appointment to meet the sorcerer, Newt.

     "So." Newt the sorcerer opened one eye wide; the other was almost closed, but the Queen knew it was the closed eye that was watching her. He was a middle- aged sorcerer with a slight hump in his back. He had thick hairy eyebrows and deeply inset eyes of green. His face was covered with an inch of dirt and he hadn't taken a bath since the beginning of time. His hair was virtually non-existent on his balding head. His clothes were nothing but rags. Yet, he was a great sorcerer at times. He wanted to be rich and have a beautiful condo, instead he became a sorcerer and this was his chance to finally get what he wanted. He flunked the class on personal finance and ended up bankrupt so he decided to enroll in Sorcerer's College at Ucko-Bucko University.

     "So," he said again. "It's a spell you two are wanting, some yeast for your bread maybe or a fruit on your vine?"

     Olivia glanced at her royal partner and saw he was staring at her. Their mutual disgust at the sorcerer's lair -- the fungus smells of disintegrating wool and the rotting meat odor that arose from his steaming pot. How could they let someone like this live in their castle. The rotting smells all began to fade as they realized that he had power and that he understood their desires.

     Oliver replied, "You have foreseen our need."

     "That was simple enough. Neither of you will ever see thirty again, and everyone in Ucko-Bucko knows what a nuisance it is to have no heir to the throne -- begging your highnesses' pardon. Even sorcerers visit the tavern, you know. You don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows."

     Newt's sudden familiarity startled them both. Olivia placed a discreetly restraining hand on Oliver's arm. Newt knew what he was doing and what her gesture meant, but he also knew how far he could go. There would be no comments about who did what in bed. Whatever they did or didn't try to get a child was their business, but he had to get around the regulations. He knew the King wasn't going to be pleased, to wander through the tangle of red tape that he had invented to keep commoners from breeding like rats.

      His beady little eyes focusing on his words and his wrinkled up hands holding firmly to their contract. Newt read King Oliver and Queen Olivia the rights they were entitled to and the consequences that would follow if by chance the spell overproduced. Furthermore he read them the rest of their contract.

      Much to the King and Queen's dismay, they proceeded onward. King Oliver, usually not at a loss for words, just simply stood by the boiling cauldron and awaited Newt's spell. Queen Olivia, with her cascading hair, fair skin, and green eyes, took a seat near her husband.

     "You are here to see me because you have no where else to turn. You are in search of a spell or potion that will give you fertility and produce an heir to the throne. Well, my Lord and my Lady, you have come to the right man. I, Newt, sorcerer of all sorcerers, am the man that can give you exactly what you want and more. Just have faith in my spell and yourself. All I ask is that when you bear your first child you give me the keys to your condo in Nigh Nigh Land. Is that a fair enough deal?"
 

     "So be it, Newt. We'll pay any price for a child of our own."

     Newt began to mix up his potion. First the dragon eggs, then the rabbit's hormones and a pinch of estrogen. Finally, a dash of testosterone to make the spell take affect. The mixture began to bubble and the weather began to change. A massive storm came up with winds blowing, lightning striking, and rain pounding down all around Newt's lair. King Oliver and Queen Olivia began to grow numb with fear. They began to wonder if they were doing the right thing for themselves and their unborn child.

     Over the bubbling potion, Newt said these words, "Nig, Nigh, air and sky, bless this King and Queen with the ability to create a child." Poof! The room filled with black smoke and when it cleared, King Oliver and Queen Olivia were back in their bedroom making love.

     "Oh, Oliver you were right about Newt and his spells. Dear, I have something to tell you. Are you ready? Brace yourself........I'M PREGNANT!!!!!"

     "Oh, Olivia do you really mean it? Is it really true?"

     "Yes Oliver. I am pregnant with triplets. I am so happy. You will have more than enough heirs to your throne."

     "I love you Olivia. You are the best wife any man could ask for, and the best woman to bear my children."

      Queen Olivia grew to be not one woman, but two in a nine month period. Upon the birth of their first child, King Oliver handed over the keys to their condo in Nigh Nigh Land to Newt. Newt however knew the potency of his spell and stayed around for more. Upon the arrival of the second and third child he gave Newt the keys to the yacht. After receiving everything he thought he deserved, he left to establish his new home in Nigh Nigh Land, in his new condo, with his new yacht. Newt thought to himself, 'Wow! I didn't think they would really give me the keys!'

     After Newt had both the keys to the condo and the yacht in his hand, he ran downstairs to pack up a few things before moving to his new home. When he arrived at his condo in Nigh Nigh land; he threw a big party for all of his friends. He invited everyone from personal finance, even though he didn't pass and everyone from Sorcerer's College. They all sat in the yard drinking ale and smoking cigars. Newt lived happily ever after in Nigh Land.

     King Oliver and Queen Olivia continued to produce more children than they ever imagined in the land of Ucko-Bucko where the name says it all. There were forty nine heirs to the throne. King Oliver lived to be a plump old man and Queen Olivia, still beautiful as ever, continued to have children in the land of Ucko-Bucko.

Acknowledgments: I would like to thank Walt Disney for giving me the idea for the happily after ending. I would like to thank Keri for all her help with proof-reading and with suggestions. I would like to thank Terry Heller for his help with the conversation between Newt and the King and Queen. I would just like to thank everyone who read my story for all their help with sentence structure, spelling and grammar.


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Fantasticoe 1996